The World’s Flat

(Metaphorically and literally)

This is 2 days worth of MC (master cleanse) shenanigans rolled up into a palm-sized paper ball and thrown across the classroom for my BFF to read…

Dude! Fucking day 3 & 4 yo! I’m doinnnnngggggg ittttttttt, yes!

So yesterday went great. Woke up, staved off cravings for drink and dry fasted ’til 1pm. Whipped up some MC potion and guzzled away. I used a straw the whole time though, like a true lady.

Nah, really, I’ve been sippin’ via straw because MY TEETH HAVE BEEN KILLINGGG ME! To the point where I couldn’t even finish a sentence without pausing to press my tingling teeth into my tongue for relief. So I Googled “master cleanse teeth hurt” and discovered there’s mad citric acid in lemons… consuming too many can wear down your tooth enamel. So, yeah. Member I told you I liked it ultra-lemony?! 8-10 lemons per 64oz?! Yeah- cut that shit out real quick.

Waking up the passed 2 mornings has been… stinky. My armpits smell like a musky skunk’s not-so-humble abode and it is just other-worldly. I attribute it to the cleanse, partially.. and the other partially goes to a couple week’s worth of unshaved pits. My breath smells strangely similar to veggie dumplings, rightfully accompanied by a tongue evenly painted the most eggshell of whites. I’m not in NY so you know I haven’t been to Vanessa’s. I dunno WTF’s going on.

Oh wait, that’s right, I’m detoxing. Hahaha

Mucus came up mid-day. While explaining the whole “Earth is flat, we’ve been lied to!” theory to my sis, I abruptly excused myself to hock up a big wad of phlegm. Sigh… I know, I know. I didn’t mean to leave her there, hanging on the edge of her seat! I woulda totally just swallowed it, but I needed to see if there was anything crazy expelling from my lungs. Nothing outta the ordinary.

My helium-filled face has gone down so much and in spite of, yet another small facial-eruption (sings: sexual seductionnn), it’s actually fun to look in the mirror again! Yayyy to de-bloating! So yeah, I’m no longer wearing a mascot-head. Woohoo. My butt though. It’s quite gluttonous and maximus-looking still.

I’ve been kinda tired during the day. Energy starts creepin’ up in the evening and by this time (10:30pm), I’m wired! This pattern could be cleanse-induced. Could be that writing these posts recharges me! Yeah, I think that’s it. [=

Going to bed is not easy. I’m always tucked in (feet out), wide-awake, lookin’ up Astrology stuff on my phone. I don’t actually close my eyes and fall asleep ’til hours later. Waking up is a cinch, though. I rambunctiously catapult the covers off of myself and into the air, and fly outta futon like a bat outta hell. It’s great. (Hope I’m not the only one who thought, “Meatloaf”, just now.)

Stretching this morning was pretty cool. I was able to touch not only my toes, (!), but the floor! With both hands pressed firmly and completely against it! I know this shouldn’t be difficult for someone my age, but all the junk I’ve eaten over these last few months has turned me into quite the lethargic, 50 year old, stay-at-home grandma. Do exercise some compassion and consider that stretch a feat at this stage in my career.

Flexibility, energy levels, water retention, foul smells, citric acid, Astrology, Meatloaf… what have I left out? Oh! My legsss. Yes. So I usually experience major soreness in my legs during the intro, body and conclusion of any fasts or cleanses. Especially after being a S.A.D. Vegan for a prolonged period of time. This always results in lymph congestion for me. Sore legs mean little healing parties going on in my lymphatic system! To combat the pain, I do some leg stretches (like the one above, haha) and I just keep chuggin’ the spicy limonada. Come to the lymph party.

Here’s a question I know you’d like the answer to. “Have I weighed myself?”

… and my answer- is a big, fat, “NO!”

I haven’t weighed myself since the end of my 37 day Watermelon Mono Island last July! (More on ‘mono islands’ in my future posts) On that 37th day, I got this crazy idea to BREAK my scale and vowed never to weigh myself again. “Weighing-in” had become a sick obsession for me and I was so fed up with measuring my worth by the number on a scale. I took a bat to the rotten little thing and swung at it ’til there was nothin’ left. Actually, it didn’t quite go down that way. You’d think an electronic scale would shudder and shatter as you pummel it with a bat, but it just stood there, nonchalantly. Resilient AF. I curiously picked it up to see WTF the problem was and accidentally dropped it. Finally! It had broke into two separate demon bodies and my work was done. “I shall weigh-in no more!”, I shouted. Soundgarden’s Rusty Cage playing in the background for affect.

That’s the story. Now you know why I refuse to and no longer weigh myself. It’s not because I can’t. I travel a lot and mostly everyone or place owns a scale. They say the things you own, own you. I could never be owned. So I let that (and most my other) shit go.

Nowadays, I gage my weight loss/gain by the sizes I fit into. Small tops & size 5 jeans = 120’s, Mediums & size 7/9 jeans = 130-140’s, Large tops & size 12 jeans = 150+. I’ve been bigger than Large, I’ve been smaller than Small. I’ve been in between sizes. Right now, I’m like a Medium-Large, whatever that is. See how I get so anal with this measurement stuff? It’s such a waste of energy to spend time thinking about what size I’m fitting into.

Diets work so much better when you forget to pay attention to the weight loss… and remember to LIVE instead!

I’ve learned to shift the focus from weight to health. I think about how much cleaner and happier my insides will be tomorrow, days from now and next month when I’ve finished this cleanse and moved on to another. For me, I’m more likely to stick to the goal when Health is the driving motivation. I know it sounds cliché, but your wealth really is in your health. And I wanna be filthy rich… rollin’ in all the health.

I’ll be sure to let you know when I start fittin’ into those Smalls though ;]

Almost forgot to tell you…

Most MCs include this laxative tea called “Smooth Move”. I decided to omit that from my ingredient list. Me and laxative teas got bad blood. Up until not too long ago, I would use and abuse ’em like nobody’s business. That went on for like 6 years. Now, I prefer not to touch the stuff, even during a cleanse. I feel it could trigger a relapse into my binge-purge habit.

A daily Salt Water Flush is also recommended and produces more of a natural laxative effect. I don’t trust pouring a buncha salt into my body. Though I’ve heard good things, I’ve never done one. I’m kinda scared I’ll like balloon into a fat Mario or something. Maybe I’ll try it. Maybe I won’t. I’ll have to think about that one.

What I have been experimenting with recently though, are enemas. They are soooo amazing! I was always pretty nervous to perform an enema on myself until I watched this crazy guy’s YouTube tutorial.  It’s similar to colon-hydrotherapy, in that a tube is stuck up your butt, water released into the colon, and you push whatever junk needs to be emptied out- only there aren’t any fancy machines to help you. Anyway, I’ll be enema-ing weekendly throughout the cleanse. Fun!

Last thing I wanna tell you… I created an Instagram account! I thought it’d be cool to share pics there too, since I’m constantly amidst a perfect photo-op. @chronicles_of_quinn Nothing’s up yet, but travel will be pickin’ up soon and there’ll be lots to see! Waho0o0o!

❤ Quinn


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