Key to the 12th House

Day 8- No turnin’ back!

It’s the end of day 8, beginning of day 9 that I’m writing this.

Today was a pretty good day. It’s been 5 days since I left the house and it was nice to get some sun and fresh air.

These passed couple days have been WOAH. Super emotional. Oh man, like crazy crazy. I’ve had a lot of family shit going on and that’s really the foundation of it all. But seriously, any time I cleanse a lot of painful emotions resurface.. to be dealt with and squared away. I run from my emotions on the regular. A lot of the time, I don’t even recognize what it is I’m feeling! I can tell by how much and how frequently I’m putting food in my mouth whether or not it’s my stress-induced compulsive binge & numb coping method… but to actually identify the emotion? Nah. I’m not too good at that.

Abstaining from food really forces me to deal with my shit! And OMG it hurts sooooo fucking bad! These passed 3-4 days have been nonstop crying and pain and all these old, random, unhappy memories and thoughts just popping up challenging me to talk to them. To understand them. To validate them and honor them! It is really something else. I mean, the wounds are old, ancient, childhood wounds and scars that are just taking it upon themselves to ooze blood and puss all over the place. Why now? … well, why not?

Maybe it’s the wise, calm, enveloping grandmother mountains here in Arizona. She’s said to have tremendous healing power. Maybe it’s Mercury finishing up his shadow phase in retrograde. Maybe it’s my period. Maybe it’s the 12th house blues before Gemini season. Maybe I’m too empathic. That’s it. I’m just too fucking sensitive, to EVERYTHING. Ugh.

Maybe I just hold everything in until I can’t take anymore and explode like a charging missile through a hurricane.

Whatever, I’m getting through it, it’s all good! Just taking it one day at a time and learning to let go of outcome and control. It does feel hella good to release these pent up negative emotions and watch them wave farewell as they drift away…..

I’m feeling really good about this cleanse though! Day 8 and going strong! And can you believe I’ve hit 24hrs during my segments of dry fasting the last 2 days? It’s becoming second nature to me now! Haha I seriously don’t even notice I’m not eating or drinking anything for an entire day. The time just flies by as I write, take care of my nephew, and do whatever else it’s great.

So I’m like 100% sure I’m gonna finish this cleanse! No doubt about it! At first I was pretty sketpical. Like, “ehhh, maybe I’ll fuck up again, we’ll see what happens.” I told you I was eating lots of junk food up until the first sip of master cleanse. Let’s talk about that! I mean, I was eating chips, cookies, ice cream, all kinds of cooked foods, processed stuff, etc., etc. Vegan, of course, but aggressively unhealthy! And frankly, I was outta fuckin’ control.

Before that, I was following McDougall’s Starch Solution. I was literally stuffing my face with baked potatoes, rice, and veggies for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I cut back on fruit and limited myself to like 1 piece a day! Haha. Now, that’s fucking unheard of for a fruit fiend like myself but hey, I hadda try it. It did NOT work for me. Maybe I was eating too much. I was literally working out 2 hours a day (cardio). I felt strong af but I was gaining weight and not at all leaning out (what I was trying to accomplish). I was looking super brolic and beefed up like a juicehead or some shit. It was not cool. I also didn’t realize walking an hour on a 15 incline and running an hour on 7 incline would help me get the China legs I never wanted. (Hey, maybe that’s why you were looking so buff) Hahaha Goals… nottttt.

So I cut that out after 2 weeks. Yeah, it felt like a pretty long time without seeing any results but I didn’t wanna quit so soon. As much as I can exercise the utmost will-power and discipline, I can also be the most non-committal, flighty, unpredictable, back and forth hypocrite I know. I needed to prove to myself that I could stick to something for longer than 4 days. After the starch solution, I went back to fruit-based and mostly raw, followed by a week of off and on junk food emotional-binging episodes. Now I’m here! Back to square uno! Back to lemon squeezes and cayenne sprinkles.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how I’m gonna break this lemonade fast. I’m really craving watermelon! MMMM mmmmm MMmMmmMmmm! And it’s in season too! Ahh. So, I’m thinking of either taking a trip to Watermelon Island or drinking whatever juices I can get my hands on (I’ll be traveling again) until July. Haven’t figured it out yet. We’ll see what my body thinks the morning after the last day! Wow, that first bite (or sip) is gonna be magickallllll. YUM. Only 6 more days!!!!

Okay, I have a confession!

=/ I ran out of maple syrup and had to substitute with Turbinado raw cane sugar!!!!!!!!!!!

GAHHHH!!! I know, I know, I didn’t want to do it!!!! It was a circumstantial thing and I swear I won’t do that again. That sugar was totally sub-par, tasteless, and lacking in quality so much, it wasn’t even funny. I was honestly way less satiated and felt bloated and nauseous after I drank it. Let this be a warning to anyone trying the cleanse… Do NOT substitute with sugar, even if it is “raw”. Blehhkk, it’s just NOT the same!

On a higher note, is any one else as excited for summer as I am?! I know it kinda feels like summer already (especially since it’s been over 100 all week here) but real summer doesn’t start ’til summer solstice, June 20th! That’s actually the same day I’ll be flying to Michigan for Electric Forest! This crazy music fest my fruity friends told me about. It’s apparently this massive forest all lit up like Christmas with tons of EDM bands and dancing, art installations, hula-hoops, and fun! I can’t wait! That is going to be a well-deserved 3 days of craziness.

Ohhhhh yeahhh, I can totally feel Gemini rising. Can you?!

Woops, almost forgot to mention this morning’s enema! I did it 3 times, about a gallon of distilled water in total. I’ve heard such good things about coffee enemas, I’m gonna have to try those soon too… but yeah, it went well! Nothing solid came out! WOMP, WOMP! I really expected to see some crazy shit, but nah, it was literally just yellowish, reddish water. Looked like lemon-cayenne mud. Hahahahah I did feel REALLY good afterwards though! Lighter, brighter, and less upset than I had been earlier (from all the emotional stuff).

Soooo that is the end of my recap!

Ohh PS I started a new section in the blog, “Lyric for Thought” where I pair texture and colour via photo, with a lyric and its video! It’s like what I constantly do in my head, only in real-life! I really enjoy the art of it and it serves as a well-needed creative outlet for me as well!

Happy! =-D

Quinn

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