WOAH WOAH WOAH!!!
T U R P E N T I N E E E E E E E E EE E E E EEE E EEEE EEE!!!!
Wow okay! So let me just start off with… NOT A SINGLE PARASITE HAS LEFT MY BODY. … Yet. Damn. I just gave away the whole post didn’t I? Hahaha Oh well. I didn’t wanna hold you in suspense for an infinitely scrolling essay only to find that my first day on the Turpentine/Coffee Enema collab was a bit of a dud, intestinal worm wise. So there you have it.
I woke up this morning to a lot of wonderful surprises, most of which I prefer to not mention, BUT the one I will share was the “Knock, knock, knock” at my door, followed by a Fed-Ex guy happy to have me sign for and hand me my beloved Turpentine!
Wooohoooo! So I immediately steak-knife opened the box and unwrapped Christmas. Oh boy, what a beaut she was! All hardware-ish and medicinal looking, “Turpentine Pure Gum Spirits”. I was SO ready for this! Read the back label… “If swallowed: GET MEDICIAL HELP IMMEDIATELY.” Yes! I totally got the right stuff! “Stomach pumping and lavage may be required.” Yeah, whatever that means. Let’s do this!
Finally, after like 20 mins Googling “what a teaspoon looks like” (because I didn’t have a measuring spoon) I decided I had what looked like a teaspoon in my hands and began to slowly pourrr. I fuckin’ spilled the shit all over the place, screaming “Omg this shit is gold. You’re spilling the GOLD! Stop, stop!” Okay, so got about a teaspoon on there and about to sprinkle Turbinado cane sugar on top to soak it all up. Got it. Okay, here goesss. I made sure I unlocked the door (just in case I died, it’d be easier for people to walk in and over my dead body, you know) and proceeded to take a hit. OH WOWWWWWWWWW.
It was sooooooooo good!! Sooo tasty! Really! Piney, sugary goodness!!! Mmm mmm mmMm. I let it sit on my tongue to get a real feel for it. Maybe it was the lack of solid food for 11 days, but this stuff was like CANDY. I chewed, very slowly, the sugar crystals until they all completely dissolved. Woah. That was great! What the hell! How is that “paint thinner“??!
I took a seat at my kitchen table and waited to feel the effects. I noticed I was immediately happy. Oh, of course I was, you say. You’re drinking paint thinner! You’re just high! That’s what I was thinking, but no. I felt and still feel (12 hours later) dramatically enhanced from that 1 teaspoon of Turp! Let’s see if I can describe the feeling. I meant to write some stuff down as it was happening but I became distracted.
I felt tingly. I felt like the spidey senses I’d always knew I had were coming front stage to introduce themselves for the first time. My mouth tasted fresher than ever, like I’d sucked on a pinecone-shaped, pine tree-flavored lifesaver for a couple years. I looked around the room. I looked at my hands, tried to listen to my body… feel my presence. Nothing externally was happening. My pupils weren’t dilating or anything. But something magnificent was definitely taking place. Internally.
A half an hour into it, my stomach began to make these gurgling noises. Like something inside my large intestine was burping or farting. Parasites? “I can’t wait to shit”, I thought. More weird noises. An hour later, I felt sharp pains in my right side. So now I’m about 3 hours in and still no urge to defecate… I’m wondering what’s goin’ on.
I decided it was time to drink some Master Cleanse. I’m thirsty and hungry at this point. Dry fasted from yesterday to around 11am when I took the turp. (They say it’s best to take on an empty stomach.) I make a batch of MC. What a bright idea this is! Now, we’ll chug 64oz of lemon, maple, cayenne water and you’ll definitely have a bowel movement! So I chugged and I chugged. 8 cups gone in under 10 minutes. OH MY GOD. What a horrible fuckin’ idea!
I felt instantly sick. I thought I was gonna hurl so I ran to the bathroom. I spit into the sink several times, trying to hold my head back and hold down all the master cleanse I had just guzzled following the Turpentine. I really did not want to throw it all up. That woulda been such a ridiculous waste of an experiment. So I tilted my head back some more, fighting with all my might what would have been my (probably amazing) rendition of The Exorcist’s projectile vomiting scene.
I didn’t vomit! Yay! Instead, turpentine scented water spewed out of my nostrils while I crapped my brains out, all lemon water, once again. No parasites came out. Of my nose nor ass. WOMP WOMP WOMPPPPPP!!!!! Sooooo disappointing!
I’m not exactly sure what happened there. Was I having a reaction to the turpentine? Were the parasites threatened? Were they trying to force me to vomit the turpentine so they could escape?! Realistically, I think it was my silly idea to chug so much MC at once that caused this reaction. To make sure that’s the case, I’m gonna follow the protocol again tomorrow! Only this time, I’ll wait a little longer to drink anything and I won’t drink so much at once!
I rested a bit after that crazy experience and felt a lot better. Went about my day like usual, except I had SO MUCH MORE ENERGY! I felt lighter, exceptionally attractive and HAPPIER than I’ve felt in a while! And I’m always happy! It was just wonderful. The vibe was chill, relaxed, unbothered, and confident. Pleasantly satiated with life. This is how I felt. And I got so much done today and felt unstoppable. I’m attributing this increase in energy to the Turpentine. For sure.
The next package wasn’t delivered to my door. Hadda go fetch it in the mailbox. Coffeeeeee!!!! Mmmmm. Haven’t smelled this in a while! To think, I worked in a coffee shop for 2 years and never once thought to use any of that free coffee for an enema!
Anyways, I used my blender to grind up 3 tablespoons of organic coffee beans. Added that to 4 cups of distilled water and boiled it for about 2 minutes. Then simmered for 20. Let it sit and reach room temperature. Now we’re ready for the Coffee Enema!
So the procedure involves filling your enema bag with a quart of coffee, letting it fill your colon, then HOLDING the whole quart of coffee in and laying on your right side for at least 12 minutes. This is how long it takes the liver to absorb the caffeine, which is how this all works to detoxify and ease die-off symptoms from the parasites. Finally, once the 12 minutes is up, release the coffee and lots of toxins will be flushed out as well! So I did this all to a tee and still, NO PARASITES CAME OUT. What an unpleasant surprise! =( I seriously was prepared to see one of the most unsightly bowel movements of my life! But nope. Just a toilet fulla muddy coffee-scented liquid poop!
The coffee enema was veryyyy relieving. My bloating’s gone down a bit and I feel so good right now! Better than the post-turpentine feels! And those were great feels!
So, despite no tangible records of parasitic activity, I did feel weird things go bump in my stomach. I heard gargling sounds and stuff. I know I have them. I’m not just being a hypochondriac. I’ll continue to follow this protocol for the next 4 days and see what happens.
Hmmm, what would happen if I was eating fruit while doing this? I would probably see bigger bowel movements, that’s for sure. I’ll definitely be experimenting with fruit-eating and hits of turpentine followed by coffee enemas in the near future. It seems intuitive that I go straight into Watermelon Island after this, so we soon shall see! The 14 day mark is almost here!
Other things: I feel so alive right now, can’t stop moving, can’t go to sleep. Can’t stop singing and dancing! So much energy! I’m going to have to Google ‘Do Coffee Enemas have a caffeinating effect on the body’. It’d be hilarious if all I really did just now was make my liver drink 4 cups of coffee! Weeeeeeeeee!