I want to properly start off this post with a giant
Something in the stars is guiding me to change direction and so where the Universe leads, I shall forever follow.
Water Fasting commence!
Today is day 1 of my Water Fast. I don’t know exactly what it is that changed my mind. Maybe the fact that my friend is starting a water fast next week? Or maybe the fact that I haven’t really felt like eating much these passed 10 days on Watermelon Island? … I dunno. But the force is urging me to fast. So I’m gonna.
Oh wait, maybe it’s the fact that I’m devastatingly broke and couldn’t even afford more watermelon if I wanted to! Yeah, that’s it!
I plan on going for at least 3 days. Then perhaps 7 more to call it an even 10. Hell, I may even go for a full 21. We’ll see. Nothing’s ever for sure on this blog because I’m just outta control.
I like to say things that sound nice in the moment and voice ideas that come and go but TBH I never truly know what’s next or how I’m gonna be feeling. (This’s so Pisces moon of me, jeez). There’s never 100% permanence to the things I say. Or write. Or do. (Disclaimer, for real)
But just when I start to feel guilty for this seemingly wishy-washy behavior, I remind myself that this is true of the Universe and every single one of us. Yes- even you. No matter how certain you think you are, nope. That certainty is just an illusion. And a very comfy one at that. I’m learning to embrace the unknown and get more comfortable with not knowing than with the false impression of Security. What is that thing any way? And why’s it always playing it safe?
“People’s minds change! Things change! Nothing stays the same!” Repeat that 3 times and let go of whatever grudge you’re holding on to! (I’m talking to myself ;-])
Okay, that felt really good to let out! Thank God for writing. I’ve been putting off blogging about Watermelon Island and in turn bottling up all these words and thoughts and eek!, emotions. Ohhh nooo! Not those things! Damnit, I’m such a Mad Hatter recluse! OMG! LOL
The last 5 days on Watermelon have been so depressing. You would think fruit would just swoop in and cure everything. Make you feel AMAZING, fill you with joy and pump the prana back into you, but nah. I’ve been all about that solemn life. Not crying or nervous or angry or any strong emotions like I’m used to. I’m usually too intense for words, either one extreme or the other. But this week I’ve just felt… Indifferent.
I procrastinated a fuck ton on getting outside, being in nature and doing the things that make me happy because it seems like my body just wants to lay down and die. I’ve been sleeping so much it’s unreal. I think that means I need to rest? What is rest?! Maybe the lights of Vegas were too bright or the sounds too loud or the alcohol too much and too fast.
I did not start Bikram. Womp, womp. I think that’s another reason I was hesitant to post! I’m over here like “Ohhh fuck, if I don’t go to Bikram like I said I was gonna, I’ll fail my blog! I won’t be liked! People won’t read it and I’ll never get people to follow me!” WTF WHO CARES!??!?! I never give a fuck what the world thinks, but for some reason the Internet is a different kinda world.
It’s an even more ridiculous, pitiful joke than the ‘real’ world and I’m not feelin’ it. I never knew how much I hated social media until the other day I found myself trying to juggle 3 Instagram accounts: one for the ‘official me’, one for ‘Quinn’ and her blog, and one for a ‘secret me’ that no one will ever find out about. And I even contemplated making more! For all the other personalities I have! It was too crazy.
I nearly broke down tryin’ to follow people, get people to follow back, realizing they unfollowed me and then unfollowing them, liking all their pictures without even looking at what the fuck was on my screen and Grrr-ing “How the fuck does this have no likes?!, my pics are AMAZING!”… scrolling, scrolling, scrolling. So much FAKENESS. I can not.
Like, how the fuck is this even a thing?! People come up with a corny psuedo name for themselves (or their alter-ego or favorite fruit/vegetable) and snap, click, and scroll away all day, investing all of their time into keepin’ up wit the Jones’ and maintaining a fake rep from behind a screen. Then overnight, these completely unwarranted, ego-inflated accounts blow up and become the next Instragam/Youtube sensations! 14k likes and followers, all of which can be easily paid for whether or not your pictures/art/food/whatever is even any good!?!??!! Who? IS? you?!
What’s worse is how follower-ish followers truly are. Liking only what’s already been liked by 6577282 people. So do you really like it or are ya just likin’ it because someone else liked it? Did you not hit the heart because you really didn’t like it, or because you’re embarrassed to be caught likin’ somethin’ with only 4 likes!?!?! Like, what the hellllll is going on here!? “Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doOo” If Rod Serling could see this, he would be flabbergasted!
I’m shocked that this’s even happening these days. Call me old school but I just got on Instagram last year, I had one prior to that but hardly used it, then deleted it. I got my first Facebook account in 2011, 6 years after high school! In the past, I Tweeted a bit, but for gov-conspiratorial reasons I deleted that as well.
I guess I’ve been layin’ low in the social media realm, in spite partaking. Well, attempting to make an account for all things related to this blog has been a real awakening! It’s like, majority of my being wants NO PART OF SOCIAL MEDIA. On some, “I’m too old for this shit” type shit. The other 5% is like, “But maybe some one will be inspired by your blog!”, “Maybe you’ll make new friends and learn new things!”, “C’mon, think of all the Vegan restaurants you’ll find out about!”
What does one do? Do I join the SM rat race, get out there and sell myself like the rest of these fools?! Do I completely get off Instagram and say WTF cares if anyone knows, sees, or hears about what I’m doing? Am I just not doing enough? What is it that I’m even doing? Who the fuck am I?
All these questions, no answers. See what I mean about security? I usually find a great deal of comfort in my annoying, keen ability to have an answer for everything. But these days, I just have NO fucking idea. Theeeseee daaysss.
Anyways, after my SMNB (Social Media Nervous Breakdown), I drank some water, took a shower and laid in front of the fan, dying in the 100% humidity that is my steam room. I thought to myself, “It’s not that serious. You’re buggin’ out”. And although I do resonate with 100% of all that I just said, it isn’t that serious. Like, there’r people dying somewhere and I’m here on a rant about social media. SMFH #firstworldpriveledge
For my own sanity, I’m just gonna have to go the old-fashioned, authentic route and be a starving artist. That’s pretty much me right now, actually. As per no monies, as per no AC, as per Industrial Brooklyn. I do bathe, however. May have to up my art game a little though.
Will update soon!
No, wait. Don’t listen to me. I didn’t mean that.
I never mean anything.